Conversation Bluffs By Rima Itani   There is no excuse for ignorance these days, what with the Internet and more books than one can perhaps imagine. News bulletins, beauty magazines, and radio stations belt out information by the ton. So, basically, unless you have decided to forgo electricity and go live in northern Siberia, you are expected nowadays to know everything, from the latest political discord to who was best dressed at the academy awards. Therefore, it is extremely important that you know how to bluff your way through any conversation in case you are stuck at a dinner table with a know-it-all who keeps throwing hot-shot questions in your general direction. No, you shouldn't shove the roast beef down that person's throat. You just have to know what to say even when you have no clue what the heck you are talking about. It is a form of art, and really is quite simple. First of all, perfect your vocabulary. Get some all-purpose adjectives, my friends. When some annoying lady asks you what you thought of Dante's Inferno, don't say, "It was nice." That will either put her to sleep (which would not be such a bad thing, after all) or will prompt her to ask you why exactly you thought it was "nice." And then your lie will be discovered, because most probably you have not read Dante. Heck, you don't know if you have even heard of him. "Wasn't he some guy who taught CST,' you ask yourself. Don't say nice. When asked to comment on a book or play you've heard nothing about, just smile graciously and say, "It was extremely presumptuous." Most probably she'll be so puzzled by your choice of wording that she will leave you alone. Or you can take the little puzzled pause as a break to leave. Just smile and excuse your self. It works most of the time. Or for example, let's say that a few people are having a political discussion and someone suddenly turns to you and asks, "What do you think about this?" Now, let's please not pretend that you know politics. In fact, you couldn't care less who derided what in last night's political talk show. When asked your opinion, look at the people around you thoughtfully and say, "You really can't generalize in a situation as complex as this." This shows everybody two things: 1) That you are deeply involved in current events, and 2) that you have analyzed the complexity of the situation. Automatically they will leave you alone because they will assume you know more about the subject than they do. How about a complex conversation on quantum physics or time travel? Don't panic. First of all it is highly unlikely that the person you are conversing with knows what he is talking about, unless he happens to be a nuclear physicist with a minor in time-space theory. And we all know how rare those are. So most probably the person you are talking to is also using some great technique to bluff his way through the conversation. But in case you are actually talking to an expert, here's a tip. Quantum physics even floored EINSTEIN, for God's sake. So who does that guy think he IS, throwing theories at you like nice grains at a wedding? Graciously nod at everything he says and then innocently ask him why the heck Einstein himself was so confused about these far-out theories when they seem so simple. While he ponders this, add that it must be his method of explanation that is absolutely outstanding. Flattery is the number one method proven to turn a conversation around. He will then either smile so hard he will literally not be able to continue the conversation, or will promptly begin talking about himself and how he deserves the Nobel prize. See? Piece of cake. Finally, you can always resort to emergency measures if the topic of conversation becomes too pressing for you to handle. After being asked a killer question, calmly take a sip of water, a bite of cake, a second's pause, then bulge your eyes out and start coughing violently. Unless the person is a psycho, he will be so concerned about whether or not you are going to die that he will forget the question and try to help you instead. Note: this only works if you have something edible in your vicinity. If not, just pretend to faint or something. You'll figure it out.